Jolted

A blank page, mocking,
Matches a blank mind perfectly.
Not blank, but rapidly turned,
Amounts to the same anyway.
Shocked by the ability to shock,
Long since thought gone,
From one known so long.
Gave my head an etch-a-sketch shake;
Warmed my heart but drove in a near fatal blade
Simultaneously.
How the hell is that possible?

Finally awake,
Thrown off late months' fairmaiden slumber
Which only insulated against any pain.
I wasn't even pretending change didn't affect,
I couldn't even feel it.
Deer in headlights sudden,
I'd nearly forgotten that adulthood was coming.
Maybe I was happier with comatose emotions,
Soft slipping things too light to bruise me.
But now, now I've been jolted to feel,
And it opens up the floodgates.

A damned artist who creates perfect dreams
Helpless to duplicate in reality,
I am afraid.
I've finally walked a million miles
To that proverbial fork in the road,
And I stall.
I can't do everything right

So I stand to let someone down,
And that someone is always me.
Too dense to realize that my best
Has to be enough,
Too greedy to let it be enough,
Too confused to even see what is enough.
I freely admit I'm not enough for anyone/thing.

Don't mind me if I stand here a while,
Trying to decide
If I should court reality
Or chase those dangerous dreams
I've had since I was so small.
Still, is my naked longing for a real life so obscene?
This is what haunts me deep:
"family" "husband" "child" "9 to 5" "helpful" "bored"
"teach" "learn" "tied-down" "single" "poet" "artist"
"loved" "crazy" "willful" "stable" "flammable"
"failure" "free" "success" "unsettling" "brilliant" "dim"
Dagger-printed on my flesh,
which ones will break my skin?
Will I decide before they draw and quarter me?
(if I was the goddess in my mind it would be easier to take)

Don't tell me what to do,
I'm sick of listening to all of you,
Don't wipe away my frustrated tear,
It has earned its right here.
Just promise not to walk away
While I stand here,
Making up my mind
And tearing it down again.
-srw


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